I recently went on a war movie binge, well POW
1.“Thou art like a toad; ugly and venomous.” – As You Like It
Modern translation: Your face, I do not like it.
2. “Away you three-inch fool!” – The Taming of the Shrew
Modern Translation: Get your tiny penis away from me, thank you.
3. “A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.” – All’s Well That Ends Well
Modern Translation: You are a deadbeat dad.
4. “Thy tongue outvenoms all the worms of Nile.” – Cymbeline
Modern Translation: Your breath is stinky.
5. “You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I’ll tickle your catastrophe!” – Henry IV Part 2
Modern Translation: Your catastrophe is itchin’ for a scratchin’.
6. “Peace, ye fat guts!” – Henry IV Part 1
Modern Translation: See you later, chunks.
7. “Your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.” – All’s Well That Ends Well
Modern Translation: Girl, you have a yeast infection. Not cute.
8. “Thine face is not worth sunburning.” – Henry V
Modern Translation: You are so ugly the sun ain’t even trying to rise just to get away from you.
9. “Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after voyage.” – As You Like It
Modern Translation: You are literally so dumb that your brain is made out of cheddar biscuits.
10. “Thy sin’s not accidental, but a trade.” – Measure For Measure
Modern Translation: I am about to slut-shame you.
11. “Thou cream faced loon” – Macbeth
Modern Translation: You look like a mayonnaise sandwich, unfortunately.
12. “Go, prick thy face, and over-red thy fear, Thou lily-liver’d boy.” Macbeth
Modern Translation: Scaredy-cat!
13. “My wife’s a hobby horse!” – The Winter’s Tale
Modern Translation: I am married to a fake horse’s head on a stick.
14. “Thou art unfit for any place but hell.” – Richard III
Modern Translation: Sir, you are a monster.
15. “You are as a candle, the better burnt out.” – Henry IV Part 1
Modern Translation: Seriously, just stop it.
16. “If thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enough what monsters you make of them.” – Hamlet
Modern Translation: I pity the fool who marries you, psycho.
17. “They lie deadly that tell you you have good faces.” – Coriolanus
Modern Translation: They was lying when they said you look cute today. You do not look cute today.
18. “I must tell you friendly in your ear, sell when you can, you are not for all markets.” – As You Like It
Modern Translation: Take what you can get, honey.
19. “Villain, I have done thy mother.” Titus Andronicus
Modern Translation: I boned your mom, bro!
Like these? Here’s more vintage insults, ye fat guts.