18 Oddball Christmas Songs For People Sick of “Jingle Bells”

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Trivial Diversions

18 Oddball Christmas Songs For People Sick of “Jingle Bells”

18 Oddball Christmas Songs For People Sick of “Jingle Bells”

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If you’re already sick of the Christmas standards being piped through the speaker systems of every single store you walk into this time of year, I recommend cleansing your palate with these weirder holiday options. Featuring Wookiees, sexual innuendo, hippopotamuses, and a foul-mouthed Joe Pesci. Not all in the same song, thank God. Actually, that would be pretty cool. Someone should do that.

In case the sexual innuendo and Joe Pesci didn’t tip you off–some of these songs are NSFW. Exercise caution.

Culturcide – “Santa Claus Was My Lover”

Choice lyrics:
Santa Claus, she was my lover.
She’s just a girl with a big white beard.
But the reindeer’s kind of weird.
I can handle the beard,
But the reindeer was too weird.

Yeah, that’s right. It’s a Billie Jean parody.

Clarence Carter – “Back Door Santa”

Choice lyrics:
I ain’t like the old Saint Nick.
He don’t come but once a year.
I ain’t like the old Saint Nick.
He don’t come but once a year.
I come runnin’ with my presents
Every time you call me dear.

The Little Stinkers – “I Farted On Santa’s Lap (Now Christmas Is Gonna Stink For Me)”

Choice lyrics:
Mom made beans for dinner,
You know I ate ’em all.
She said come get your coat on, we’re goin’ to the mall.
Gonna visit Santa and sit upon his knee.
But all that I could think about was how not to cut the cheese.

Tiny Tim – “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer”

Choice lyrics:
*ukulele strumming*

Red Swan – “You Son of a Bitch, You Stole My Woman, Now I’m Gonna Burn Down Your Christmas Tree Farm”

Choice lyrics:
I can’t make out anything besides “I got some matches and a gasoline rag,” and Google’s not helping, but the title’s all I need to know I love this song.

Akim & Teddy Vann – “Santa Claus Is A Black Man”

Choice lyrics:
Daddy?
Yes, Akimmy?
Do you know what happened last night?
What happened, Akimmy?
Well, I saw Santa Claus. Do you know what?
What, Akimmy?
He looked a lot like you! He was handsome!
I can dig it.
He was black!
Right on.
He had an afro, he was really outta sight.

CRUDBUMP: “F**k You If You Don’t Like Christmas”

Choice lyrics:
F**k you if you don’t like yams from a can,
And f**k you if you don’t like honey-baked ham.
F**k you if you don’t like egg nog.
F**k you if you don’t like other kinds of nog.
And f**k you if you don’t like reindeer dogs.

Spinal Tap – “Christmas with the Devil”

Choice lyrics:
There’s a demon in my belly
And a gremlin in my brain.
There’s someone up the chimney hole
And Satan is his name.

Fear – “F**k Christmas”

Choice lyrics:
Don’t despair,
just because it’s Christmas.
Children, they’re
all so gay at Christmas.
All the children on the street
hope they get something good to eat.
But for me it’s not so great.
F**k Christmas!

Joe Pesci – “If It Doesn’t Snow on Christmas”

Choice lyrics:
Now they say he got eight reindeer
For the sleigh he’s driving here.
But how the fuck’s he go if it doesn’t snow
On Christmas this year?

Pansy Division – “Homo Christmas”

Choice lyrics:
I wanna be your Christmas present
I wanna be your Christmas queer
I wanna be your Christmas present
Have a homo Christmas this year.

John Denver – “Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)”

Choice lyrics:
Just last year when I was only seven
Now I’m almost eight, as you can see.
You came home a quarter past eleven
And fell down underneath our Christmas tree.

Jon Bon Jovi – “R2-D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas”

Choice lyrics:
R2-D2, we wish you a merry Christmas
R2-D2, we love you, it’s true
R2-D2, we wish you a merry Christmas (Merry Christmas)
We hope our little message gets to you

The 1980 Star Wars-themed Christmas in the Stars is a bucket of WTF, but “R2-D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas” gets the extra edge from featuring, aside from a children’s choir and Star Wars actors Ben Burtt and Anthony Daniels, the first recording of Jon Bon Jovi (credited as “John Bongiovi”).

“What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb?)”

Choice lyrics:
He doesn’t need a tie clip,
And he doesn’t use shaving foam.
So what can you get a Wookiee for Christmas
When he already owns a comb?
It’s really a problem.

I couldn’t just include one song from the Star Wars Christmas album.

Snoop Doggy Dogg, Daz Dillinger, Nate Dogg, Bad Azz, and Tray Dee – “Santa Claus Goes Straight to the Ghetto

Choice lyrics:
Now on the first day of Christmas, my homeboy gave to me
A sack of the krazy glue and told me to smoke it up slowly.
Now on the second day of Christmas, my homeboy gave to me
A fifth of hendog and told me to take my mind off that weed.

Cyndi Lauper – “Minnie and Santa”

Choice lyrics:
Now Minnie could not be persuaded
That Santa just did not exist.
She swore if she put up some mistletoe
Santa’d come give her a kiss.
And there where she’d hung up her stockings
All in their silky, soft sheen.
She’d be laying in wait on a bear skin rug
Where the cookies and milk could be seen.

Gayla Peevy – “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas”

Choice lyrics:
I can see me now on Christmas morning
Creeping down the stairs.
Oh what joy and what surprise
When I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there!

Dirty Boyz – “All I Want For Christmas”

Choice lyrics:
All I want for Christmas is to get it drunk.
Is to get it drunk, get it, get it crunk.
All I want for Christmas,
24’s are better y’all.
A T-Mobile sidekick,
My own Gucci sweater, dog.

Related topics Christmas, Christmas carols, Holidays
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